Kiran Speaks

He said, “I don’t get the way you tick; I don’t get how you click; with all the different people around, even they look up at you profound.”

I laughed. “It isn’t hard to understand—all my life I wished I’d been a man. I’m not saying you didn’t have it hard, but not the same way I fell apart.”

“I think you’re being unfair; you don’t seem to have a care—”

“Oh, let me indulge and share; you’re going to wish you’d never dared.

All my life, I’ve never been good enough—not for my lovers, nor for my blood. I learned to pick myself back up and remember how I’d always had it rough. From a child sleeping in a car to long nights crying at the bar. From always shouldering the blame, it’s a surprise I’ve kept sane. That’s not really all that true; there were times I almost bid adieu. Last second, stopped myself hard and threw down that metal shard. I almost didn’t survive; I had to fight myself to stay alive. Even when I looked in the mirror in tears, my face was splattered with my fears. I’m trying with everything I have to let go of the past. But I can’t release it all at once because it’s a reminder of who I was. A girl, when they’d been praying for a boy, held a weapon instead of a toy. Never to hurt or cause harm; perhaps that’s what led to my fall. I’m taking my power back, taking the nail with a tooth, and smack. I’ll take what’s rightfully mine; I won’t settle at the line. I truly want it all—to fight and win every brawl. Take all the power without greed, but finally pause and choose me. I want you to take my hand, be my partner, be my man. I want to always count on you, on the days that are good but even blue. But before we get too close, there’s something you need to know. There are things about me you’ll never get—the way I struggle, what’s in my head. I grew old when I was young—no fault of mine but of my home. I can paint a life of chaos, but I picture a future of choice. I never want to be in that place again, I’m taking steps forward, looking ahead. I’m not afraid to speak my truth; I owe it to myself before you. So maybe one day you’ll comprehend, what I went through made me who I am.”